The myth of well-rounded
I’ve spent the majority of my life working to be above average in everything. There’s a script that I can fall into that says if I remain faultless at everything I endeavour to do, I won’t be embarrassed. Let me tell you, not feeling embarrassed has a LOT of appeal.
Let me lay on this couch here for a moment and tell you about my childhood. I don’t remember details very well. I’m more of an abstract rememberer, but I vividly remember the emotions that came during that cruel stage of life called puberty. I’m talking about 12 or 13 years of age, when everyone’s confidence levels are at an all-time low, your body is changing before your very eyes and one of the best remedies for your own weak self-image is to ridicule someone else’s.
I recall that time as a period of intense embarrassment. Every mistake or aberration was magnified by peers, but even if they weren’t, those mistakes would be turned over and magnified in your own mind until they were bigger than life itself. And everything was an embarassment. Pimples were devastating. Tripping in the hallway was akin to a death sentence. I felt bad when someone ridiculed me. I felt even worse if I ridiculed someone else. Most days, I could pick multiple incidents that I’d like to get a do-over on.
I also recall the quiet resolve that accompanied these embarassments, a decision to not get “caught” with that hot, flustered, intense feeling of regret that immediately followed. I changed. I withdrew from any personal experiments in figuring out who I was that could result in my next embarrassment. I became more reserved and cautious.
I also believe I had it better than most of my peers. I was relatively confident, I was smart and capable in class, I was involved in lots of sports and had a strong family for support. Perhaps others had a different way of dealing with it, but I soothed myself with a promise: Never Again. Never again would I make that mistake. Each embarrassment was a lesson that resulted in the closing of a door, a more safe pattern that would spare me looking foolish again.
The problem, the myth, is that being safe and balanced and reasonably good at everything will serve you well. Nowadays, that’s rarely true. It serves you OK, but having some distinguishing interests and an ability to go against the conventional expectation is where the real manna lies. I find myself wanting to burst out of my envelope and do something drastic, but the desire to remain “safe” is deep-seated.
Fast-forward 20 years, and I’ve got some baggage that isn’t serving me well today. A few massive economic shifts and we find ourselves in an environment where the willingness and ability to make mistakes wins the day. Attempting things that stand out and carry a risk of failure are exactly what we must do to find success.
As I participate in a work environment that seems to be chanting “Never Again” in unison, I sometimes feel those hot, prickly flashes of embarrassment trying to get me back in line. It’s really hard to not just give in to them and fulfill the expectations of that 12 year-old kid.
At least here, in the blogosphere, I can go back in time and pretend I’m talking to him: Hey, 12 year old. This is your older self. Don’t let that stuff bother you. In time, you learn that none of it really amounts to anything. The stuff that really matters is what makes sense to YOU and what you want to do. Don’t learn to alter your image to avoid embarassment and, for pete’s sake, don’t get so hung up on it that I have to deal with it later.
There. That feels better.
Nevin — 12 and 13 year olds are indeed cruel for the reasons that you mentioned (boys in particular). I too have some truly hideous memories similar to what you have described. Ultimately, I also reacted to these situations in a similar manner to yourself. This has been a major driving force throughout my life.
I once read somewhere that it is quite likely that a lot of overachieving people who aspire to high office are often people who are trying to prove a point to their 13 year old tormentors! What a sad existence this ultimately must be. Totally negative and limiting…
Awesome comment Chris. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone. This was by far my most personal, revealing post yet.
It’s an interesting exercise to take an honest look at one’s motives for why they behave the way they do. I feel like I’m peeling back layers of the proverbial onion.