The Examined Life of the Sellout
I’ve been a sellout many times in my life. For definition, let’s say that sellouts are when you apply your ability and talent to something that isn’t for your purpose in life, it’s for somebody else’s. The theory of the sellout is that they happen because selling out is practical, it’s prudent and it seems like a good, secure, long-term choice. However, they’re called sellouts because they go against your very fibre. You give up (sell) a piece of your soul for comfort. You pursue someone else’s interest in return for compensation.
I’d like to take a look at some of my sellouts, in the order that they have happened:
* I trusted the educational system with too much of my maturation and development of knowledge and pursued all manner of academic success in highschool. I devoted excessive time that could have been spent pursuing my own interests to learning how to differentiate between chemical oxidation and reduction, a sonnet and iambic pentameter and a circle’s radius versus its diameter.
* I chose to take Commerce (business school) in University, not because of some overwhelming passion for business, but because it was the path to secure, well-paid employment.
* I accepted positions of employment because of title and pay, not because of my personal affinity for the topic.
* I engaged, interacted and gave respect to undeserving individuals who held influence. I shared ideas not for innovation and effectiveness, but to impress.
A couple of weak defenses of my actions might help me feel better here. First is the fact that this is what I was advised to do. I followed the path that was laid out for me. That’s weak, because I was sentient when all these sellouts took place. I always had a choice… I just didn’t acknowledge it. My second defense – I could have done more selling out, or I could have done it for an entire career. I think it could easily be argued that I continue to sell out, but I’m happy to say I’ve recognized it and am taking steps to repair the damage.
The damage, however, is quite interesting and hard to repair. To start with, sellouts aren’t exactly natural, so they’re hard to sustain. When we’re doing something contrary to our being routinely each day, we’re ultimately stealing days we won’t get back that could be happier. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
There’s the damage of how being a sellout seems to tie our hands, too. It comes in the shape of established levels of comfort and expectation that are extremely hard to dismiss. They come in the form of a mortgage that was accepted in headier times and a lifestyle best described as a hedonic treadmill.
The damage is a reluctance to try new things, to depart from this game’s “winning strategy” even as the rules of the game are changing.
The damage is a fear of the actions that could address our mistakes but haven’t received acceptance from family, parents, peers, friends, teachers or bosses.
The damage is the fear of ending up living in a van down by the river.
All that is strong, but it doesn’t quite overpower the knowledge that there are ways to add value and be true to your passion. Even when all the comforts of being a sellout are calling me to stop, relax and be enveloped in their charms, I can’t help but remember that those sellout actions aren’t my agenda. They’re just the choices I’ve made.
I guess I’m saying that the one thing more powerful than all the comforts of the life of the sellout is the peace that comes with pursuing my own agenda.
Nevin — where do I begin on this one. Of all of the blog posts that you’ve written and that I have been reading, this one is not only timely but it strikes me square in my heart and soul.
“The theory of the sellout is that they happen because selling out is practical, it’s prudent and it seems like a good, secure, long-term choice.” My God! This is the story of my post high school life. My ‘selling out’ really started in university when I was trying to figure out what to do with myself. With the exception of a rare few who either come from a particular family tradition that they are interested in (such as law, medicine, farming, etc…) or have a very clear and courageous vision for themselves at a very young age, I think that most young adults struggle with deciding what to do at this point in their lives. I certainly did — I flopped on faculties and majors on several occasions until I finally decided, like you did, to pursue Business Administration. Did I have a strong interest and flair for business? Not really. Did I have a family that had a strong business background; entrepreneurs or managers? No. I came from a family versed in nursing and law enforcement. Neither one of my parents finished high school — back in the late 1950′s you didn’t need to in order to get a decent paying job. What guidance was I afforded? GET A GOOD, STABLE, LONG-TERM JOB THAT WILL PAY A VERY GOOD SALARY. So, the choices for me at the University of Regina were Business Administration or Engineering. I took the path that I thought would at least get me a decent paying job.
So, what are my sell out moments? Here’s a list:
* I trusted the educational system with too much of my maturation and development of knowledge and pursued all manner of academic success throughout high school, university and grad school. Until only very recently have I begun to value the benefits of ongoing post-secondary education to my life. I’m now beginning to think that, after a certain point, this type of education is subject to significant diminishing returns and I’m not starting to turn my back on it.
* I chose to take Administration (business school) in University, not because of some overwhelming passion for business, but because it was the path to secure, well-paid employment.
* I accepted positions of employment because of title and pay, not because of my personal affinity for the topic.
* I engaged, interacted and gave respect to undeserving individuals who held influence. I shared ideas not for innovation and effectiveness, but to impress.
* I’ve pandered to powerful individuals even when I’ve believed that they are dead wrong about something or I bowed to their position power over me (bloody bureaucracy!).
Does most of this sound familiar? Sorry what is basically blatant plagiarism but I think that we’ve both experienced similar paths. I’m sure that many others have as well.
I’d like to express a few more thoughts with respect to ongoing post-secondary education; something that I have struggled with quite a bit over the past couple of years. In 2008 I finished a distance-based MBA program (like I needed more business education!). My main motivator to do this was fear — fear that I would not be competitive given that so many people are now graduating with bachelors degrees. It took me five years to complete the program while I was working full time. The program was interesting and I had some great experiences as a result of pursuing it. Out of hours education though started to become a way of life and it has taken me at least two years to start adjusting back to a “normal” life. I actually found it difficult to get away from a life of study, partly based on habit but also based on fear. I was planning on taking the CMA program this year but recently decided against doing so. This was a hard decision because I had convinced myself that the CMA program is extremely practical and something that would lead to job security. I realized though that I just wasn’t into it — that I was selling out. Life is too short to be committing more time to books and the classroom. Experience has to count for something.
Thus, I’m in the process of stopping my selling out behaviour. I’m focusing more on my interests and attempting to spend more time with family and friends and taking better care of myself. Will there be negative employment and economic consequences related to doing so? Perhaps. I’m really not sure. Maybe there will be other positives that will lead me to my true passions. Only time will tell.
Thanks for posting these thoughts Nevin. I really needed to read them at this time in my life!
Wow. Thanks Chris. I really appreciate you commenting. I think you and I have had very similar experiences, and I’m really pleased that what I’ve written evokes such a passionate response. I really like your list of sellouts. They do look familiar, and not just the ones you repeated from my list. The whole list could be my own.
I think a future post is going to have to be on “I’m in the process of stopping my selling out behaviour.” That’s the real challenge, I think, and there’s lots to examine in how to do it.