Proceed Until Apprehended

Sitting in as a guest for some recent leadership training, I was invited to participate in an exercise to tell a story. I realized I hadn’t shared this here, and there’s no good reason not to.

Ten years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. With the diagnosis, I received my fair share of the sort of the traditionally awkward condolences from those that know me. These condolences could perhaps be broken into two parts. First, none of us really know what to say. We fumble and we search for words. Second, we express remorse. We acknowledge that this is bad luck and the person is not as well off as they were.

I don’t really fault that. Given the reverse role in the situation, it’s what I’ve done, too.

When I received all these “bad luck” acknowledgments, they served to help justify my general apathy and lack of effort to improve things. “Well,” I thought, “I’ve been dealt this hand, so now I’m excused from whatever I was pursuing before.” This is all too typical a reaction for people that are diagnosed with a chronic illness. It seems almost normal that you should take on a bitter demeanor and wear a sign that says I was screwed.

That didn’t last a long time for me, but it was very real. I was diagnosed in the May, and through a combination of medication and lethargy I managed to gain 30 pounds by September.

Feeling sorry for myself, I was simply being a spectator, both literally and figuratively. My wife and I found ourselves watching as the runners of our city’s first ever marathon ran through the park. They were all shapes and sizes, and it began to dawn on me that I shouldn’t feel limited. I still had the ability to do things, lots of things, including run a marathon. If they could do it, I should be able to do it.

It was at this point that a blind man ran by being assisted over the course. That was a watershed moment for me. There was clearly no excuse that legitimized my current behaviour.

Life gives you lots of choices, but one of the fundamental ones is whether you’re going to select the role of victim or owner. This isn’t a one-time choice, by the way. It’s a choice presented to you every day, over and over. You have to choose each and every time.

I still don’t quite know what you’re supposed to say to someone who’s been dealt a bad hand. It’s an emotional moment, and I’m not sure there’s words for it. Given the invitation, though, I tell people recently diagnosed with MS that it can be a gift. They just have to choose that it is.

This post is actually number 102. I’m kinda proud of hitting the century mark. When I started blogging, I didn’t know how transformative this experience would be.

Because of this blog,

• I’m connecting with interesting, smart and engaged people
• I feel much more confident that my opinions have merit. I’m also confident I need to keep asking if they have merit.
• My articulation of my opinions and beliefs in the off-line world has improved – I think I’m a better writer and speaker from doing this.
• My blog provides a search-able repository of things I’ve felt strongly enough about to write down. I’m pretty sure I search my archives more than everyone else combined.
• I’m more outspoken and am being a radical truth-teller more consistently each day.

I’ve also found:

• There’s been lulls in my blogging when I feel like I just can’t do it as good as others
• There’s been increases in my blogging when I’m reading a good book.
• My best posts are written in one sitting.
• My blogging is most consistent when I remind myself that my thoughts are more helpful out than in.

Thanks for joining me. I really do appreciate it.

This has been a year of tremendous personal growth for me.  A real highlight was my discovery that I had things I wanted to say and a desire to be a part of a conversation about what’s next. Not just part of the conversation, actually, but I realized I wanted to be a participant in making the future.

This may not seem like much, especially with the ubiquity of blogging and other social media tools. Everybody has a voice and can use it. I had to make my own personal journey to determine that I was going to step beyond “lurking.” To my great surprise, you and other readers have been willing to bless me with your attention, your insight and your passion.

Wow. Just wow.

I hope you enjoy the holiday season. I can’t wait to do more of this.

I’m acutely aware that I’ve only got one chance of living a life that I’m proud of.

I’ve been in job interviews before where they asked me what motivates me. I don’t know if that’s a good interview question. I’ll leave that up to someone else to decide. Here’s my answer:

“I don’t want to sound fixated on death, but I think I put more time and thought into what will be said at my eulogy than most people. I have a certain anxiety in my stomach every day that asks if I’m doing right and if I’m making a difference. This is pretty motivating. I want to make sure that, when I’m done, I’ve done something meaningful.”

I’m serious about this. I feel it right now. In addition to feeling it, I’d like to point out that I’m starting to like that I feel it. I think I’m on to something. I have started to cultivate it. I ask myself questions like “What will I be remembered for?” and I read Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” or Mitch Albom’s “Tuesdays with Morrie.” The anxiety grows.

It has become so strong that I feel compelled to act on it. It’s real, not some theoretical I should sort of statement. There’s those situations where honesty is required but it’s uncomfortable and perhaps a bit awkward. I find myself saying the truth because I want to be remembered as honest. I’m more inclined to challenge the old way of doing things because I want to make sure we create results, though perhaps my boss and others just want to get the job done. I have also started asking and answering questions on a blog that will turn off 90% of the people I know and scare my parents.

It feels like a freight train slowly gathering speed.

I am getting VERY excited about going over to my new position with the Saskatchewan Public Service Commission. I believe the PSC offers some enlightened management practices, a positive working culture and an important, meaningful mandate.

For all of its positive traits, I’m sort of anticipating that there’s also a culture of “policy adherence” that has gone a bit overboard. What I mean is that HR functions are quite often the whipping boy in an organization, and staff tend to rely on policies and interpretation of policies to serve as a a form of protection (or backbone). I recognize this is also partly done out of respect for a collective bargaining agreement, though I do think there’s a difference between respecting it and instantly capitulating to it.

I’m probably not going to be very accepting of policy adherence, if in fact I come across it. I’m toying with a work-specific mission statement, sort of a supplement to my still relevant personal mission statement.

Here’s some language, though perhaps I’ll call it draft. [If my new supervisor is reading this, feedback is definitely welcome.]

This will make some colleagues uncomfortable. They’ll come around… or they won’t.

My job is to ask unflinching questions and be radically honest. I’ll operate with the best intentions and without permission.

And the shorter version: Boundaries are the enemy. As gently as possible, blow the fucking lid off.

I just said that publicly. Gulp.

You have two choices in how you react to life. You can be conditioned or deliberate.

Our default is set to conditioned. We have ingrained, emotionally-driven responses for every scenario – guilt, fear, happiness, joy, you name it, it’s there and ready, should the need arise. If you choose conditioned, you accept the program that’s already installed. Perhaps you’re accepting or competitive, optimistic or pessimistic, whatever has been established as your modus operandi is pretty much there to stay. You can thank your childhood, your life experiences and your worldview for the program you’ve got.

The big selling feature of this choice is that you don’t really have to choose, you simply have to keep on course. The downside is that you don’t usually get to choose which reaction you’re having at any given time. It’s hardwired, so it depends on what’s happening to you.

As a bonus, nothing is ever your fault. Someone else is always the architect of your misery.

The other choice is to be deliberate in your reactions. You can catch yourself before you react and plot out how you want your actions to play out, you can rewire the hardwired reactions. Declare that you are calm, cool and collected… or thoughtful… or passionate… or honest, and start to be that way in your reactions and interactions.

The positives of this choice are that you get to have the kinds of experiences you want and no-one is doing things unto you. While it sounds great, the downside is that you have to do work between your ears, right now and forever after. It gets easier, but you’ll find you can never be complacent.

I sometimes think I’m working on a life assignment to examine and understand what’s really going on. It all comes down to finding Truth. I’m responsible for asking big questions, hearing the answers and courageously acting differently when I see I’ve been wrong. The converse, I suppose, is to not rely too heavily on “conventional” wisdom. Your own wisdom is more trustworthy.

Pretty deep, I know.

Anyway, this post isn’t about that. It’s simply an examination of why I’ve gotten this assignment. Why did I start doing this? Why does anybody start doing this? It’s not particularly comfortable (though I do find it meaningful and fulfilling).

I like to think of the process as pulling on a sweater thread. To begin with, it’s just a loose thread. There’s a complete, suitable sweater there… and you’re ruining it. Most people ignore the thread, or trim it. A typical response is to maintain the integrity of the sweater. Some, however, compulsively pull on the thread. The more they pull, the more they see beneath. The more they see beneath, the more they pull.

Looking back, a convergence of factors pushed me to first ask questions.

• An increasing sense of my own mortality – a close friend passed away shortly after I was frightened by my own health. A perspective smack if ever there was one
• A culmination of frustrations in my career – I hit the “sick and tired of being sick and tired” point
• The impeccable chance timing of a leadership course that turned into a lifelong coaching and mentoring relationship

I’ve taken this analogy this far. I’d better examine the punch line. You end up without a sweater. Do we end up exposed and cold? I don’t think that’s it. I think we’re in direct contact with the elements. We end up more aware, more responsive and more capable of an appropriate and thoughtful engagement with our environment.

What is your sweater thread?

I’ve decided to break down the title “Selfish Matters,” just so I’m not leaving anything to the imagination. You see, you can either say, “On his blog, he talks about all sorts of things. The common theme is that they are all selfish matters.” Alternatively, you could say, “He pursues being a better person. In his journey, he’s realized that having intellect matters, individual responsibility matters and being selfish matters.”

The world would be a better place if we all thought about and acted in our long-term self interest. We wouldn’t choose to smoke, we’d drink in moderation, we’d cross the street at the cross-walk, we’d join our local community association and bowling leagues. We’d make an effort to get to know our neighbours, we’d question whether our use of fossil fuel is sustainable and we’d use compact fluorescent lightbulbs.

Why, you say, in the name of self-interest would we do this? Because we’re all good “optimizers.” We all know how to make choices that serve us and help us, personally. For some reason though, we’re typically short-sighted. I think having a community we can trust and a healthy environment to live in are some of the key factors in a happy and content life. On a daily basis we forget to pursue these important issues. If we were really, truly self-interested, we’d forego today’s more shallow concerns because we know we’re attaining a broader definition of success.

The more conventional way to say this is that our lives are out of balance. Pretty much everything around us (commercials, media, fad diets, “overnight” success stories…) tells us it’s OK to seek the quick fix. It’s hard to remind ourselves what our focus really should be. Simply reminding myself to “be selfish” seems to do the trick. When I fully embrace selfishness, I can commit the time, effort and perserverance to achieve the good things in life.

By OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION, I hereby declare this blog, herein known as “Proceed Until Apprehended,” to be open for business.

OK, with that out of the way, I’ll let go of questions such as “will it be good enough?” “will I have enough to say?” “will readers get me?” Instead, I’m taking the plunge. Here’s my Personal Mission Statement: